There’s a ton of reviews out there about the film Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe but I haven’t written mine yet, so here we go…
This last April just in time for Autism Awareness Month.. which I hate by the way, as I see it as nothing more than an in your face ritual child sacrifice to the cult of Baal or the God Moloch or some other such demonic being… Or at the least a marketing strategy that morbidly celebrates chemically induced brain damage… But anyway.. I hate autism awareness month and it’s not just that I hate it but for the past several years April is a month that brings out the worst in my severely autistic son, Aydan’s symptoms.. Could it be histamine? Or seasonal changes or what?? We’ve tested couldn’t find anything but yet it still happens.. Sound familiar autism moms?
Anyway.. though my name is April, I hate the month of April.. When T.S. Eliott wrote ‘April is the cruelest month..’ he wasn’t lying.. So, I ignored the Vaxxed news. I didn’t have time to dwell on a film about what had happened to my vaccine injured child, as I was too busy dealing with my vaccine injured child. I wasn’t on any social media and didn’t have any interest, I just wanted my child to get better.. I just wanted to be his mommy and nothing else.
In the month of May I received an email notifying me that to my surprise a screening was about 5 minutes from my house with a filmmakers’ Q & A directly following the show. I live in a small town about an hour north of Los Angeles where the screening had appeared previously on my son’s birthday (ironically in April), so I didn’t go to that one nor do I go to much anything that is an hour away.. But here it was just 5 minutes.. I could get away for a couple of hours and go see it; and I did.
I knew what the film was about. I knew just about all the information presented. I knew that the CDC lied about the MMR vaccine / autism connection. I knew that Andrew Wakefield was precisely correct and that everything he described happening to his patients all of whom had gut disease and were subsequently diagnosed with autism following MMR vaccination, happened to my son in the exact same way. I heard the mother’s in the film talk about their child’s regression into autism following MMR and it was exactly what had happened to mine. I heard these stories 1000s of times from 1000s of parents..
So, I sat in the theater and expected to be under-whelmed by the information since after all I knew everything, right? What I didn’t know was how seeing our story play out before my eyes would affect me emotionally. Within the first 5 minutes I began to bite my lip in an effort to try to prevent the tears from streaming down my face… I couldn’t stop them.. I tried to clear my eyes, so I could see the screen but I had to look away several times just to compose myself.. I cried because I thought of all the things I had been too busy to deal with in the previous month.. I cried because I thought of all the years of struggle and wasted time… I cried because I thought of my son and his gut pain and how he dealt with it by hurting himself and others at times.. I cried because I felt loss… I cried because I was angry that as mothers we told this story 1000s of times and that it took exposing a bunch of lying officials for anyone to care.. Or even half care… I cried because I couldn’t help myself, it was just too much…
At the end of the film when producer, Del Bigtree asked the families’ of the vaccine injured to stand, I stood.. I didn’t want to as my knees were knocking and I knew once again it would be hard to compose myself..
Many people at the end stuck around to socialize and talk to the filmmakers but I was eager to get home to my family and I knew my time was limited. When I arrived at home I could see a group of not to happy people. Chaos had ensued and yet another melt down had occurred followed by a number two, bathroom accident because well.. My son received the MMR vaccine and developed gut disease and was subsequently diagnosed with autism.. I mean.. Do I really need to keep saying this? This scene has been common place since about mid-February and the thing that prompted me to write this essay is that it happened two more times just today.. And ‘yes’ he is toilet trained and ‘yes’ we have seen the doctor and run the tests and the tests have rendered us no answers.. Sound familiar autism moms?
So back to my review of Vaxxed.. I’m glad this information has finally come out of the shadow and into the light. I’m grateful that there’s been a whistle-blower who had a crisis of conscience that will hopefully spare many children from the same fate as my son. This film has awakened many including members of my own family to the truth, which is undeniably a positive move in the right direction.. But I still have to clean up poop from the porch and bring out my carpet cleaner a couple of times a week.. My son still has to suffer with severe gut pain and little to no ability to express his feelings… And I as his mother suffer right along with him. I wrote an essay about 6 years ago where I stated I would give my life to God if I could take away one.. just ONE vaccine that had been given to my son, because I know that seemingly small thing would make his life better today. So Vaxxed? Yes, it’s good film, an important film that everyone should see but it is a story about real people, a story about real suffering and a story that should have never needed to be told.. And unfortunately, it’s a story that can’t take away the damage that has been done.
This September will mark the 9 year anniversary that my son Aydan was diagnosed with autism. This is not a day we celebrate. I remember everything about it, sitting in the waiting room at the Regional Center office building in downtown Los Angeles. A typical sterile office waiting room with a few toys and books strung around.. this type of environment would be a frequent scene for the next 9 years. When our name was called we walked in a large room with several toys, balls, puzzles, etc. and two women in business clothes. They were friendly, smiled and played with Aydan, attempting to interact with him. I was still in the phase of over-stating his abilities, as if somehow I could talk the ‘experts’ out of their inevitable diagnosis. They would ask questions, like ‘how many words does he have?’ Nearly 9 years later, I am asked the same question.. to which I continue not to fully know the answer.
When I heard the diagnosis, I was not surprised; I had already diagnosed him myself. I wanted the experts to stamp their seal of approval, so that all the powers that be would move us into action and bing bang boom.. we’d get this puzzle solved. I quickly learned, the system doesn’t work like that. When asking for help in ‘the system’ you must scream and claw and cite scientific journals and hire lawyers and argue evidence based vs. emerging evidence based vs. alternative and so on and on… This was certainly not the loving and accepting upbringing I had imagined for my child.
Aydan was 2 1/2 then and in the years to follow I would indeed make numerous mistakes in my pursuit for help. I remember the feeling of urgency, the constant reminders that this ‘window of opportunity’ would close at around 6 years old and the child would be too far out of reach to return. The clock was ticking and I moved fast.. Too fast as I should have seen then what I see so clearly now… A 2 1/2 year old child with autism, is a 2 1/2 year old child. We didn’t need the system, we didn’t need to move fast, we only needed each other.
9 years later we can do nothing about the mistakes from the past.. The futile fights with the system, the sterile rooms we sat in, the premature entry into school at age 3, the countless therapies that would follow, none of which were truly capable of addressing his needs. I understand the desire to stay positive and optimistic about the future. Certainly it isn’t prudent to continually beat yourself up about the past but personally, I have never appreciated the cliché sayings that make their way on many a Facebook meme, such as ‘There are no mistakes, only lesson..’ or ‘There are no mistakes, only opportunities’.. and possibly my least favorite, ‘There are no mistakes, only happy accidents…’ Interesting how I don’t remember being ‘happy’ during any of these events and I sure could have managed with fewer ‘opportunities’, especially at the expense of my innocent son.
Please, don’t get me wrong, I’m no pessimist.. I’m an optimist to the bitter end. Some might even say to a fault but the way I look at it, is that if a mother can lift a Chevy to save her child trapped underneath the vehicle, there is no “window” strong enough to withstand the rock I’m willing to throw.
Today almost 9 years has past and on paper we see all the milestones that have been missed, all the ‘opportunities’ that have passed, all the childhood experiences he’ll never have, which leaves me asking, what now? So, now I look back at that original day. I think of the sterile waiting room and I ask myself, if I had to do over would I have just taken those papers in hand and simply walked away from it all? Those papers that would brand my son with a label for life, enabling him access to all the ‘services’ within the system that never served his needs at all. Maybe I wouldn’t have even went into the sterile room.. Maybe I wouldn’t have even parked the car.. Maybe I wouldn’t have even made the initial phone call to get the appointment.. I mean what did those papers tell me about my son? What insights did they offer?? They state what he could and could not do.. what skills were age appropriate and which were delayed (most were delayed).. they would state if the delay was mild, moderate, severe or profound.. they would suggest which treatments were required, behavioral therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy.. But did they encapsulate my son? Did they offer the truth? Could they measure his worth? Did they know his value? How much is your child worth? How many hours.. how much money.. how much time would you give for them… Could these papers provide answers to these questions?
Perhaps rather than look for answers from the powers that be, I needed to just look for answers from the powers within… The powers within us both.
So again the question remains, what now? Now I take the ‘lessons’ that I have learned and move forward. The first lesson being, I can’t do this alone.. I can’t take my 1000s of hours of research and out-smart autism.. I can’t use my intellect to dig just a little deeper, work just a little harder, spend just a few more hours and then expect the answers to be revealed.. What I do now is I stand naked and vulnerable and ask for divinity.. I was not raised with religion nor did my upbringing include many conversations about the spirit world or God but I know now there is only so much that is in control of man.
I ask for prayers and support among the readers who find this.. I ask for compassion from onlookers at the grocery store who watch my 11-year-old child thrust himself upon the ground when this world becomes more than he can take. It has become more than I can take too… I don’t give up.. No.. Never… But I surrender to the universe, I surrender to God and look for guidance. I ask you now, God if there is a window of opportunity and that window has closed on my son that you place the rock in my hand strong enough to shatter it to pieces… Please help me find the way and I will not let you down.
P.S. Thank you for your time and attention. Please support our campaign to raise funds for Aydan’s Son-Rise Program.
Let them eat pie…
Being on a restrictive diet; albeit a healing one can be daunting, especially if you’ve never been much of a cook. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was not a natural Suzy home-maker. I was not raised being taught how to cook, sew and garden like the generations before mine. I found these acts of empowered survival to be tedious chores. It was not until my 2nd child, Aydan regressed into autism and severe gut dysbosis after vaccination that I began to re-think my position.
When we started our journey into gluten and dairy free back in 2007, it wasn’t the high profile diet it is today. There weren’t GF versions of everything from panko crumbs to oreo cookies. It was just beginning to boom in popularity and I was willing to partake in whatever short-cut was available to me, until I realized this didn’t work. Unless you’re a severe celiac, gluten is just a minor part of the problem. As described in this article by SCD lifestyle, the 12 billion dollar gluten free fad has expanded from “health” food stores to everything from Wal-mart, Domino’s and gluten free Dunkin’ Donuts. How can any of that be healthy? It isn’t and it never was. To think that the mainstream medical and agricultural industries are the only ones to want to make a buck off of sickness is pretty naive. I was this naive at one time and loved the idea of a quick an easy gluten free waffle from Trader Joe’s but healing does not take place this way.
Leaky gut and dysbosis is epidemic and at the root of many autoimmune and neurological issues, as Natasha McBride explains in her book, the Gut and Psychological Syndrome. Even Dr. McBride describes the non-cooks and how if you are one of these, it’s best to start with the full diet before doing the stages as it will help ween you into the habit of cooking everything from scratch.. the way people did before ‘food’ came in boxes and bags. This is exactly what I did.
Before I knew anything about GAPS or Paleo, I read a little book called, Breaking the Viscous Cycle by Elaine Gottschal on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet which would become the basis for GAPS. Elaine was not a scientist nor a doctor, she was a mom.. which made me trust her even more. She was not selling anything, she was just trying to make sense of a diet that had been introduced to her by a doctor many years prior in order to prevent major surgery and heal her daughter from Ulcer Colitis. Her daughter healed and I wanted in.. I wanted my son to heal too. The science made sense to me.. monosaccharides or simple carbohydrates won’t aggravate the gut as complex (di/poly-saccharides) would. I used to think of it as trying to walk on a broken leg, the leg could never heal that way and thus same is true for the gut; it could never heal were it constantly working to break down complex foods… Aha!
From there I was off… With a single cookbook and several printed recipes I went from never having made a pie-crust in my life to creating an entire SCD Thanksgiving dinner including pie.. Pumpkin and pecan (in case you were wondering).
My family was supportive though maybe not as enthusiastic about the outcome and for years would always ask me if they could just cheat a little.. just one frozen pie, just one batch of stuffed mushrooms with Philly cream cheese..
Over the years under the consultation of nutritionist and doctors, I would change the diet several times, experimenting with Body Ecology, Low Oxalate, etc etc… but NEVER going back to the old pre-made way.. Once you know there’s no way to unknow.. This sounds easier than it is.. Several years ago, I wrote an article Autism, Cooking and Most of All, Love where I go into greater detail about the aches and pains of cooking on autism. It hurts.. it does.. the social stigma, the friends, family, therapist and teachers.. even when well meaning can question, derail and just drive you nuts. Eh hem….
So, here we are in 2016, back on SCD /GAPS having gone through the stages last Summer, we are in full swing. For this month of February, I needed a birthday cake.. two actually. My oldest son and my biggest food critic was turning 13 and when I asked him what he wanted a couple weeks before the big event, he let me know in no uncertain terms ‘not an Aydan friendly cake and not a cake at all.. but rather a pie.’ At first not caring what type of pie but later driving inspiration from the hit indie game, Undertale, he requested a Butterscotch cinnamon pie… Now I had gotten better over the years; not only was my cooking good, it was damn good and I could bake the grain free with the best of them.. Though maybe not as pretty as the average food blogger, it was served up fresh daily with lots of love and hard work. Very little have I accomplished in my life that I am more proud of then learning to cook wholesome foods for my family. But pie???? Oh my… And something I had never even thought of butterscotch… Well.. Approximately 10 days before the venture, my husband suggests I go on an experiment, ‘try making a pie everyday up until his birthday.. a count down..’ I took the challenge and have compiled a list of the recipes I tried.. And as for Aydan he loves it when he finds me in the kitchen often combining two of his favorite ASL signs, ‘make’ and ‘eat’ to let me know I’m on the right track. He’ll even volunteer assistance which I LOVE!!
Okay… So enough with the build up.. here we go…
Day 1: Crust less Pumpkin Pie. I did this one because it was what I had in the house to work with.. I took Aydan and the baby to the library only to return home and find the entire pie gone. The soon to be 13 year old got hungry and it was that good. I made another for dessert and served it with Coconut Vanilla (dairy free) ice-cream.
Day 2: Real Food Banana Cream Pie. Again just what I had around the house and I did not use the vanilla stevia. Instead I used honey to taste, you don’t need a lot as bananas and coconut are naturally sweet.
Day 3: Coconut Cream Pie. Also AIP friendly.
Day 4: Blueberry Pie. I got the 13 year old in on this one and made it a homeschool project. We didn’t make the top crust and used a different crust recipe which was so good it would become my crust choice from here on out: Dan’s awesome pie crust.
Day 5: Apple pie crumble. I started on a key-lime but it needed to gel overnight, so I went back to a tried and true dessert I make frequently. Super easy and inspired by a recipe from my first SCD cookbook, Cooking to Heal Little Tummies.
-5/6 Apples peeled and cored
-1-2 Tablespoons of Cinnamon
-1 Stick of butter
-2 1/2 cups of almond flour or meal
Instructions: Pre-heat oven 325 degrees. Cook apples over medium heat in a skillet with coconut oil or butter. Don’t over-soften as they’ll end up in the oven. Add cinnamon, I will sometimes also add nutmeg, ginger or cardamom. Remove from heat and place into a pie pan. Blend Almond flour and butter. Add crust paste to top covering completely. Heat about 15-20 minutes.
P.S. This recipe can just as well make a pear crumble or a berry crumble just don’t skillet fry before-hand.
Day 6: Lemon Pie. This tasted a bit like yoplait yogurt and wasn’t as popular as the others so far but was still pretty good.
Day 7: Dairy Free Pear Custard. Okay this is not a pie but can be used in a pie as any custard or pudding can.
Day 8: Lemon Meringue Pie, This was a huge hit with my husband. Though my son, Aydan LOVES pecans, he is mildly allergic and tolerates almond a bit better, so I stuck with Dan’s Awesome Crust recipe and didn’t use the one described by the Nerdy Farm Wife.
My husband loved this one so much that he asked me to make this again for his birthday, also the first week of February. I made two just in case.
Day 9: Chocolate Cake with Almond butter frosting. Chocolate is not allowed on SCD but on GAPS, Natasha McBride says it’s an okay once in a while but only on the full diet and after sincere healing. Again, not a pie but I got busy and took a break to return to a tried and true recipe. This was really well received the first time I made but less so the second. I never used the almond slivers and I’m not sure what I did differently that made it better the first time. I think I added more butter and less almond butter in the frosting as the biggest complaint was the almond butter was overwhelming.
For my husband’s birthday I made this chocolate cake with buttercream frosting instead.. Yes, I made 2 lemon merinuges and a chocolate cake!! You don’t have to tell me it’s time for detox but it was a party and a great way to end the holidays.
Day 10: Birthday!! Butterscotch Cinnamon pie! Old habits die hard and for the big day my son did not want to sway his position on a non-Aydan friendly pie. He insisted upon his Undertale inspired Butterscotch cinnamon after seeing this reconstruction from Feasts of Fiction.
So in order to include everyone, I made two pies. Here’s the SCD / GAPS version.
Now I know that this is not a regular practice in the process of gut healing as explicitly described here as a common mistake in GAPS by the Healthy Home Economist. You can’t go hog-wild with baking and especially nut flours.
And I also know that for those who have been following my writing for a while this sort of thing strikes as a bit soft ball.. after all, I’ve been the hard hitting, anti-establishment autism mom witch … I assure all of you, I still got it in me.. I have not nor will I ever forgive the pharma shilling powers that poison our children but for now, I can think of nothing more empowering and healing than being a stay-at-home.. A mom who is truly present, truly listening, truly healing, truly loving (or mostly and always trying)… Oh… And not to mention gardening, fermenting, baking, doing laundry, doing dishes, nursing, cleaning poopy diapers, scrubbing toilets and all around kicking ass.. (I know.. it’s hard, I am NOT a super mom… And it’s harder than that.. I’m an autism mom and believe me I’m exhausted)..
But for now, I choose to take lemons and make lemon pie…
Happy eating and healing!!
(References in the body of the essay).
To be an autism mom means spending several hours making a home-made advent calendar so your leaky gut, autoimmune, GAPS kid feel included and having him wake up in the middle of the night to completely obliterate it…
Now I know it wasn’t much to look at to begin with.. I have honestly never been super artistically inclined or artsy crafty.. At least not compared to the numerous experts you see on pinterest. Growing up I was certain I’d be a “working” mom. I thought I’d be a teacher, writer or a radio talk show host… Wait.. come to think of it, I am all those things.. I just don’t get paid for it.. Well.. at least not in monetary value.
(Oh.. that looks healthy…)
And lord knows what else..
So this happened… California’s vaccine bill: State Assembly passes SB277 outlawing personal belief and religious exemptions:http://www.mercurynews.com/…/californias-vaccine-bill-state…
As I’ve been saying since 2011, California will absolutely continue to pass these types of vaccine ‘laws’.. Why? 1) Because it will set the stage for the rest of the country and that’s ultimately the plan and 2) Because California has no money, no water and no resources; while big pharma has deep pockets to help us pretend like we do.
The idea of California as the peace, love, natural health, hippie state has always been a farce… a Hollywood production, as described by the Dead Kennedy’s here in 1979, ironically Jerry Brown was governor then too..
“I am Governor Jerry Brown
My aura smiles
And never frowns…
Zen fascists will control you
You will jog for the master race
And always wear the happy face
Close your eyes, can’t happen here
Big Bro’ on white horse is near
The hippies won’t come back you say
Mellow out or you will pay”
No one will be able to appeal to ‘law makers’ through emotion or ‘my vaccine damaged child’.. THEY DON’T CARE!! The only way to appeal to a psychopath and a malignant narcissist is through their own self interest. The only way to threaten their power over us, is to realize that their power doesn’t exist!!!
UPDATE 06/30/2015: Letter from Governor’s office…
So hey Californians.. We’re screwed!!!
“Born and raised by those who praise
Control of population everybody’s been there and
I don’t mean on vacation”
Victims of vaccination experience extreme physical and emotional trauma and if that isn’t enough; it appears to be the curse that keeps on giving.. The parent of a child (and ‘yes’ I’m including myself in this) will feel a lifetime of shame and guilt attached to the decision to subject their child to such a ruthless and brutal act that destroys much, if not all of the rest of their lives… And to make matters worse we continually live in a state of an inability to heal from this shame and trauma.. Why? Because the abuser (the vaccine industry) is a malignant narcissist and a narcissist will never apologize, take responsibility or give you closure.. no matter how much you want it.
So first off, let’s define the “Vaccine Industry”… or the Vaccine Industrial Complex… This is an evil empire that includes the pharmaceutical companies WHO make the vaccines, the government that mandates and forces them on us, the pharma funded media that shills its propaganda and lastly their henchmen or the paid and/or unpaid ‘skeptics’ that sing their praises or defile those that don’t.
And now let’s be clear on what I mean, when I state ‘ malignant narcissism’. A certain amount of self-love is healthy and warranted but when the behavior becomes maladaptive it creates shallowness and a regard for oneself to the point of sheer disregard for others… See Dr. Powell’s description here:
“Narcissism becomes particularly “malignant” (i.e. malevolent, dangerous, harmful, incurable) when it goes beyond mere vanity and excessive self-focus. Malignant narcissists not only see themselves as superior to others but believe in their superiority to the degree that they view others as relatively worthless, expendable, and justifiably exploitable. This type of narcissism is a defining characteristic of psychopathy/sociopathy and is rooted in an individual’s deficient capacity for empathy. It’s almost impossible for a person with such shallow feelings and such haughtiness to really care about others or to form a conscience with any of the qualities we typically associate with a humane attitude, which is why most researchers and thinkers on the topic of psychopathy think of psychopaths as individuals without a conscience altogether.“
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, like all disorders and disease appears to be on the rise. In recent years, we’ve been trained not just to accept but to regard it as a celebrated trait. Remember “Seinfeld” from the 199os? A show about ‘nothing’? But it wasn’t a show about nothing; it was a show about narcissists.. They cared not for deep meaningful relationships, were constantly hot and cold in their romances, easily bored, lacked empathy or any amount of self-reflection. Today this is even more apparent in the show ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia‘, if you look up the word ‘narcissism’ in Wikipedia, you’ll find this show mentioned.. literally. And it’s not just these shows, the list goes on and on.. whether it’s a convention of ‘divas’ or a t-shirt that reads ‘It’s all about me!’… It’s just a never-ending barrage of marveling selfish behavior to the point of nauseum.
If you’ve been following the “vaccine-debate” you can begin to see how the vaccine industry acts as a malignant narcissist. It appears boisterous and overly confident but when you scratch the surface you begin to see through its hollow shell.
It is backed by nothing, no substance, no history…..
And it is a compulsive liar..
I regret that my coauthors and I omitted statistically significant information in our 2004 article published in the journal Pediatrics. The omitted data suggested that African American males who received the MMR vaccine before age 36 months were at increased risk for autism. Decisions were made regarding which findings to report after the data were collected, and I believe that the final study protocol was not followed.“
Yet despite this, it continues to be the loudest most obnoxious person in the room over and over again repeating the same script, as if it in fact believes its on nonsense.. We’ve all heard the tall tales.. herd immunity, waning immunity, association doesn’t equal causation, just a tiny bit of mercury is okay, etc. etc. To a rationale thinking individual this may seem absurd but to the narcissist this is a common trait sometimes described as magical thinking…
“The narcissist is prone to magical thinking. He thinks about himself in terms of ‘being chosen’ or of ‘having a destiny.’ …He believes that his life is of such momentous importance, that it is micro-managed by God.”
When you love it, admire it and continue providing it with narcissistic supply, it pretends to be your friend but when you begin to question and expose the lies, even in such an innocent manner as to suggest ‘more studies are needed’, it comes down on you like an atomic bomb in an act of narcissistic rage..
It doesn’t play fair, it doesn’t listen to your concerns or even acknowledge them. How many parents of vaccine injured children are told that their child was NOT in fact vaccine damaged, that it was merely their belief but there was no proof of said belief?
It wouldn’t matter to the narcissist whether you had 10,000 citations with medical records, scientific proof, personal video, 100 eye witnesses..
Nothing matters to the narcissist, it will unmercifully embellish, omit, disregard or outright distort facts in order to maintain its facade regardless of what you have proven. And when it can no longer fool others merely with its obnoxious rage, it will gaslight you.. A severe form of mental abuse that works at trying to make you look crazy to others or even at times yourself..
“Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work.“
And again… this will occur, no matter how shallow its argument maybe…
Some of the more deceptive and clever narcissist will pretend to be altruistic and to think of everyone BUT themselves acting in the interest of the ‘Greater Good‘ when in fact the opposite is true..
“The act of giving enhances the narcissist’s sense of omnipotence, his fantastic grandiosity, and the contempt he holds for others. It is easy to feel superior to the supplicating recipients of one’s largesse. Narcissistic altruism is about exerting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in the beneficiaries.
The narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as a bait. He impresses others with his selflessness and kindness and thus lures them into his lair, entraps them, and manipulates and brainwashes them into subservient compliance and obsequious collaboration. People are attracted to the narcissist’s larger than life posture – only to discover his true personality traits when it is far too late. ‘Give a little to take a lot’ – is the narcissist’s creed.”
And without a doubt the most telling sign that the vaccine industry is a malignant narcissist is the lack of empathy it exhibits to the vaccine damaged….
“As I walked in to testify the first thing that I was told was that I could NOT bring in any signs. When the pro SB277 speakers spoke and Ariel Loop shared her story of her four-month-old son who contracted the measles, I thought it very tricky that Senator Pan walked around the senate showing a poster board of pictures of Ariel’s son. There was a picture of her with her son at Disneyland, a picture of her baby with a cloth mask covering his nose and mouth and one sleeping. I listened to Ariel’s testimony of how INCONVIENCED she was whilst dealing with her son’s measles. She also stated that she was deeply afraid of taking her son out of the house for fear of all the unvaccinated children who would infect her baby.
2. I was surprised that Ariel Loop brought her young baby to an event that was filled with hundreds, maybe a thousand UNVACINATED adults and children. I know that during my daughters first years of life, Lorrin missed out on many events due to her medical fragility. It wasn’t until 6th grade that Lorrin was able to attend school year round so that she would not get sick during the cold and flu season.
3. When you have children life changes and it often becomes full of inconveniences. For me as a parent of a vaccine-injured child, things were never typical. I gave Lorrin 6 anti-seizure medications a day, nebulizer treatments and numerous therapies. She was hospitalized 171 days in the ICU in one year alone. I administered steroid shots into her tiny legs at the age of one, put her into a comma twice to stop her from having constant seizures. She had a feeding tube, tracheostomy and had a rod put into her spine so that she would be able to live eat and breathe, until she died in my arms at the age of 15. This is just a smattering of what Lorrin endured during her lifetime. I would love to have shared my pictures of Lorrin being on life support at the age of 3 with a collapsed lung and double pneumonia. And lets not forget the last year of her life she had diarrhea sometimes 4 times a day, weighing 65 pounds. Living with vaccine injury gets a bit messy. These pictures would have said way more than any words.
So how is it possible that Senator Dr. Pan and the panel in support of SB277 can appear so unaffected by Karen Kain’s story of her daughter Lorrin? What about the parents of other vaccine injured children, victims of SIDS, autism, seizure disorder, death and so on???
Perhaps the answer to these questions brings us back to empathy… or the lack thereof…
“Lack of empathy is a quintessential hallmark of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They simply do not care about thoughts and feelings of others, especially if they conflict with their own. Do not expect them to listen, validate, understand, or support you.”
Most of us at one point in our lives find ourselves in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, be them a family member, parent, spouse, lover, friend, co-worker and so on… The more deeply invested and the more you care about the narcissist in your life, the more painful the experience. But to the narcissist a person is no different from any other possession or anything that can provide it with narcissistic supply, be it money, fame, a new car..
A person is either a supplier or they are discarded…
So now that we’ve been sufficiently traumatized, abused, verbally assaulted and discarded.. how do we heal? In an effort to heal from a broken relationship, it is natural to want closure.. To want the other party to apologize, admit to their part in the destruction of the relationship but when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist this closure does not come. They aren’t capable of a sincere apology, acceptance of wrong doing and once you’ve been discarded in the relationship, they will not likely even acknowledge your existence..
No matter how much they’ve hurt you…
Since a narcissist is merely a hollow shell without conscience or a soul, it only exists when those around it give it attention, otherwise it will collapse.
“It will be hard because after a break-up you want closure. You want to be heard, you want them to know the pain they’ve caused- but they are never going to listen, and even if they do, they don’t understand the meaning. That is the beauty of “No Contact.” You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you were screaming. No Contact is pure rejection and the utmost revenge. It is empowering. It is your last word. That is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know who and what they are. They know their tricks no longer work with you…they know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. You are no longer their victim.“
As I mentioned in a previous post Vaccine Mandates and Divorcing Our Psychopathic Lover, The State.. There isn’t much more to do at this point but walk away.. We cannot expect acknowledgement or apologies from a narcissist and even if we manage to push back on forced vaccination legislation there will be another and another and another.. When and where will it end?
At the risk of sound too touchy feely.. Healing can and will only come from within us. It will come when we focus on the things and people in our lives that truly matter.. Our relationship with the vaccine industry, malignant narcissist can only exist if we allow it to… This may mean serious adjustments in our lives..
It’s over when we say it’s over…
Photos, Citations and Excerpts from this essay were provided as follows:
-Victims of NPD Relationships: Stages of Recovery: http://thenarcissisticlife.com/victims-of-npd-relationships-stages-of-recovery/
-The No Contact Rule: The Narcissist and No Contact: http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-no-contact-rule-the-narcissist-and-no-contact/
-Narcissism And Empathy: http://thenarcissisticlife.com/narcissism-and-empathy/
-Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply: http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-narcissistic-supply-and-sources-of-supply/#what
-Malignant Narcissism: http://www.manipulative-people.com/malignant-narcissism/
-Seinfeld and the Culture of Narcissism: http://www.mclemee.com/id96.html
-Wikipedia/ Fictional Narcissist: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism#Fictional_narcissists
-Vaccines Didn’t Save Us: 2 Centuries of Official Statics: http://preventdisease.com/news/10/102510_vaccines_did_not_save_us.shtml
-CDC: You’re Fired! Autism Cover-up Exposed!: http://kellybroganmd.com/article/cdc-youre-fired-autism-coverup-exposed/
-August 27, 2014 Press Release, “Statement of William W. Thompson, Ph.D., Regarding the 2004 Article Examining the Possibility of a Relationship Between MMR Vaccine and Autism”: http://www.morganverkamp.com/august-27-2014-press-release-statement-of-william-w-thompson-ph-d-regarding-the-2004-article-examining-the-possibility-of-a-relationship-between-mmr-vaccine-and-autism/
-Narcisstic Personality Disorder by Sam Vaknin PhD: http://www.twelvetribes-ex.com/articles/NPD_Primer.htm
-Narcisstic Rage: http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/narcissistic-rage.html
-Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/11/08/gaslighting/
-The Measles Vaccine Racket: http://www.whale.to/vaccines/measles.html
-The Greater Good Movie: http://www.greatergoodmovie.org
-Is the Narcissist Capable of Loving: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/?utm_source=New+Life&utm_campaign=ce3d5aef2e-16+days+to+your+new+life&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_005709a593-ce3d5aef2e-407653969
-My Experience Opposing SB277: http://karenkain.com/my-experience-in-opposing-sb277/
-A Unique Life Fully Lived: http://www.civinmediarelations.com/Karen-Kain–A-Unique-Life-Fully-Lived.html
-Narcissistic Supply: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/narcissistic-supply-2#ixzz3Zx17eFmx
-Pediatrician: Vaccinate Your Kids or Get out of my Office: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/01/30/the-real-reason-pediatricians-want-you-to-vaccinate-your-kids.html
-22 Medical Studies that show Vaccines cause Autism: http://www.activistpost.com/2013/09/22-medical-studies-that-show-vaccines.html
I never thought about emotional trauma in relation to autism until the first time we went to a homeopath. I remember her asking about how I ‘felt’ during pregnancy and how I ‘felt’ about my baby postpartum. I explained the pre-natal and hospital birth trauma though she persisted that there must be something more. Despite her attempt to assure me there would be ‘no judgment’, I remember feeling irritated as if she didn’t believe me when I said that I did in fact feel very bonded to my baby. I felt bonded to him despite the fact that the doctor who delivered him was a monster, despite the fact my pre-natal experience had been unnecessarily physically and emotionally stressful, despite the fact that due to hospital atrocity and incompetence they gave my baby formula, before I was able to breastfeed him and continued to keep him from me for 6 hours… Looking at it with fresh eyes, I can see where she might have thought I would have trouble with the bonding process and I have no doubt given that birthing in America is almost always extremely traumatic, that many women do feel detached.. But I didn’t feel that way at all. I loved Aydan immediately. I always found him delightful. I remember him as a wee little baby before the vaccines robbed him of his potential… when he still felt good in his own skin, when he enjoyed being in and exploring the world. I remember waking early in the morning and how we found it ironic that his initials were A.M. (Aydan Michael), since he seemed to be such an early riser. I would pop in my Mommy and me yoga VHS tape and start my work-out, even if he was still asleep.. Predictably as I turned it on, he would climb out of the bed that we shared and crawl to the next room where I was beginning my stretches.. I can still see his bright smile with big dimples as he rounded the corner, as if to say ‘I’m ready to play…’ I was happy when he woke up. In yoga, I used his body as a weight.. lifting him above my head and resting on my legs. We laughed a lot and had fun!
But lately, I’ve been thinking about the emotional trauma.
By now it is clear that vaccines are a toxic soup that reek havoc on every aspect of our bodies… This is where the DAN (Defeat Autism Now) and most of the natural health community has laid its focus. How to remove the toxins? How to seal the leaky gut? What therapies does the child need? What vitamin deficiencies need addressing? And on and on… But what about the emotional trauma of vaccination?
When my 7 month old daughter meets a new person, even a loving Grandma, she is apprehensive. When Grandma goes to pick her up, she anxiously looks at me on the verge of tears, as if to say ‘mom, is this okay?’ ‘Am I safe?’ I smile at her and assure Grandma’s a good one. After a few loving attempts, she realizes she is safe and the anxiety subsides.. This got me thinking.. I wonder if when in the doctor’s office, did my son, Aydan, look to me as an infant wanting to know the same? Did he look for reassurance, as if to ask ‘Mom, am I safe?’ Did he do this, as I handed him over to this doctor or nurse, who unlike Grandma took him without love into their arms, forcing him down on a table of cold and synthetic material, then proceeded to inject him with a sharp metal object laced with poison? Did he think ‘mom is this okay?’ ‘will I be okay?’ and did I look at him with terror and tears in my eyes, as I always feared the needle… I instinctively understood it was wrong for anything, anyone, under any circumstances to hurt my child.. As I ignored this instinct, could he read it on my face? I know, I told him ‘it would be okay..’ I didn’t mean to lie but deep down, I knew it was wrong.
I also didn’t mean to omit this information when I talked to the homeopath because though our bond may still be strong, our trust had been broken. Over the years since the vaccine assault… The rape that took place before my very eyes.. It has been a barrage of blood tests, urine/stool analysis, enemas, chelation treatments, supplements that didn’t work, MB12 injections… Countless offices with doctors, therapists, institutionalized schools, assessments, people who come and go… cause they aren’t family, they aren’t friends.. they are staff.
So at this time, I’d like to address Aydan, though he may not understand everything I’m about to say, he probably understands more than I know and perhaps someday he will understand it all…
My son I find this letter very difficult to write, as I am about to talk about things that are very uncomfortable for me to admit.
I don’t know if you remember being a baby like your sister but when you were little like her, I took you to a place where people hurt you. They injected you with a sharp object that had stuff inside (poison) and that stuff made you sick. It would change the rest of your life and that is why you have a hard time trying to speak. That is why sometimes you feel confused. That is why you get stomach aches and why your body hurts. I want to make it very clear to you that this didn’t happen because you were bad or because you were different or defective. I allowed this to be done to you because I was ignorant and didn’t trust myself as your mother. I am sorry that I failed to protect you.
I don’t know if you remember the first day of school when you were 3 years old but I remember the first 2 weeks where I walked you to the gate and the teachers took your hand. You looked at me with fear and cried. I know you didn’t want to go and I don’t want you to think that I left you there because I didn’t want to be with you. I left you there because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to help you on my own and I didn’t know where else to turn. I’m sorry that I did that too.
I remember when you were 5 and someone gave you a shirt that said ‘I’m not autistic, I’m autastic!’ You hated that shirt and always wanted to take it off. I recall the day, I put it on you, as you were crying and trying to keep it away.. I looked at you and told you I understood that you hated the shirt and didn’t want to wear it. I said that I would throw it away and you would never have to wear it again. I threw it away in front of you and you seemed happy about it. I want you to know that you were right to hate that shirt. You were right to know that it wasn’t cute or funny.
And Aydan, when you are outside in the world, with all those groups of people or ‘society’ and those people look at you strange or tell you to calm down or be quiet; I hope that you know that this does not mean there is anything wrong with you. The only reason we adults say things like that is because we are ashamed of the fact that we have allowed you and other children like you to be hurt.
As I write this you are 10 years old and though you are a big boy now, I hope it is not too late to re-gain the bond of trust that has been broken between us.
I know that you know, I love you, since I tell you at least 5 times a day and I remember before that sharp needle of poison took your words away, you told me once too.
As we stand in this country there are several States passing or attempting to pass mandatory vaccine laws that would force children who enter public, private or even homeschool, in some cases to be vaccinated without philosophical or religious exemption. Some others bills have included health-care workers and even an ‘adult vaccination’ plan. Clearly looking at the title of this essay you can safely conclude, I’m not a fan.. Please allow me to back up a little…
In 2011 I was part of a large group who were working against a bill in California that would allow minors as young as 12 to consent to STD vaccines without parental knowledge. Despite the overwhelming outcry against it, the bill passed and before it was even put into effect young girls AND boys as young as 11 we’re reportedly being vaccinated with the HPV vaccine without a parent or guardian present. This vaccine is supposed to prevent HPV (warts) which is claimed by medical professionals to cause cervical cancer, though the medical data speaks others.. And let’s face it.. warts are no big deal, so this vaccine isn’t marketed as a HPV preventer, it’s marketed as a prevention for cervical cancer.. Uhmm.. Wait a minute… Boys?? Being vaccinated against CERVICAL cancer??? Uhm.. I’m not a doctor or anything but where exactly is the male cervix again? Nevermind..
Anyway… the bill passed and some nurses at public schools around California started plugging kids with poison even outside their OWN restrictions.. So what does that tell us?? I can tell you what it made quite clear to me, as George Carlin once put it.. ‘…THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.. AT ALL!!!‘ So why do we care about them? Why do we continue to go back to this narcissistic, self-important, possibly even psychopathic, abusive lover (government) who will sell us at every turn to the highest bidder without remorse and like a co-dependant, enabler we make excuses for them or expect them to change.. We think if we just speak up louder, or say it a few more times, or get more people to support us, or maybe they just don’t understand us, or maybe we’re not doing our job to make it clear… Oh no.. it’s clear, they just don’t care.
But it’s not like we’ve ever had informed consent to begin with. Who would ever give consent to vaccination if they were truly informed? If someone told you, in this there are several neurotoxins, carcinogens and foreign agents that will undoubtedly cause genetic mutations along with some neurological problems, most likely autoimmunity and you may die on the spot.. If you’re lucky and it doesn’t kill you on the spot, it will certainly shorten your life.. Oh and by the way, there’s no guarantee it will protect you from disease, in fact it may actually cause you to contract the disease that it claims to protect against.. Oh and one more thing, if you don’t contract the disease you could still be a carrier of it and give it to unsuspecting loved ones… So you want it? Let’s face it.. It’s never been about receiving ‘information.. And ‘consent’? Yeah right… like when you ‘consent’ to letting in the vampire who can only come inside after he’s been ‘consented’ to do so.. No… there’s no consensual vaccine. It is a non-consensual act.. a violation.. a rape.. We have merely been hypnotized by a psychopathic vampire, so he can suck our blood for his own selfish purposes.
And the problem isn’t that the science doesn’t prove vaccines cause neurological disorders, autism, cancer, death.. you name it.. It’s that the science proves that it DOES. Besides, we KNOW what happened, we witnessed it, we saw it. We saw the decline in our quality of life, following the creation of each new injection, it’s not imaginary, it’s not an exaggeration, it is what is… So let’s stop fooling around and call this abuse of power by forcing vaccination on un-consenting individuals, what it really is.. A violent act of aggressive genocide.
As I mentioned before, I live in California. Most of the country views the policies made in this state as rather important, since many states across the union tend to follow. If that’s true, then that’s bad news, as this state has made their lover affair with big pharma known since at least 2011. Early in the same year as the ‘Gardasil bill‘ was introduced, we saw Door to Door vaccinations from a school in the district of Natomas, where a guy by the name of Senator Dr. Richard Pan holds office. Dear deeply disturbed Senator Pan made his loving feelings towards force vaccination more public when he co-author SB2109 that would virtually remove philosophical exemption by requiring parents take their children to a doctor who would explain ‘pros’ and cons of vaccination, as if there’s any such thing as a ‘pro’.. So now in 2015 on the coat-tails of late 2014’s ‘Measles-gate’, Senator Pan has once again co-authored a forced vaccination bill SB277 which has managed to make its way past the judiciary committee and is set to be heard by Senate and Assembly committees next. If it goes through it will remove all philosophical and religious exemptions to vaccines, leaving only medical but wait.. He made an amendment about a week ago…
“Sen. Richard Pan, D-Sacramento, and Sen. Ben Allen, D-Santa Monica, tweaked the bill to allow families who choose not to immunize their children to participate in a multiple-family private homeschool option instead of just a single family home.
They also changed the bill to allow families who choose not to immunize their children to use the public school independent study option that exists in current law and is administered by local education agencies.”
What’s that? Are you breaking up with us? Or perhaps not a full blown break up but maybe you’re ‘just not that into us’. So those of us who homeschool apparently just aren’t needy enough for this narcissist… ‘it’s my way or the highway, take it ALL or get the hell out’.. That’s interesting.. I’ve never seen an ‘exemption’ quite like this before. California has always regarded homeschooling as a form of private school and thereby requires all the same laws as held to a private school including vaccination records.
The thing I’d like to stress, is that by pointing out this unusual amendment, I, in no way accept this as law.. Quite frankly as the mother of a vaccine damaged child, I find it’s very suggestion repugnant and a slap in the face to my precious son… how dare they.. how dare they even suggest such thing, amendment or not… I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS.. I DO NOT CONSENT TO MANDATORY VACCINATION!! I DO NOT CONSENT TO VACCINATION.. period!!!
So what would this look like? What would we need to do in order to sit down with our abusive lover (the State) and say, ‘it’s not you, it’s me.. you haven’t changed.. I’ve changed.. you are what and who you are but your controlling nature, just isn’t working for me anymore.. I need a break.. FOREVER….’ and then walk away?
Well.. that maybe a loaded question, so let’s start with the homeschool thing. We don’t have to do it and we shouldn’t do it alone. There’s no glory in being a martyr, so why even try. We can’t all just drop everything, single parents and family’s dependant upon two incomes alike. We need to be apart of a community again, take responsibility for raising our children.. not just our children but ALL our children. Homeschoolers have for years organized co-ops, classrooms with combined ages and worked at reinventing the Little Red School House. Why not? It’s not like public institutionalized schools have been around forever, it used to happen this way and it’s not as crazy as it seems.
And homeschooling isn’t just an excuse to avoid vaccines, did we forget about Common Core? That’s still a thing, remember?
Not only that but the benefits, the empathy building that is created by incorporating multi-age classrooms, special needs children and typical children alike, bringing our children together..why not? What’s stopping us?
I’m not saying that I haven’t spent countless hours researching, fighting, finagling with ‘special education law’ and ‘IEP / Individual Education Plans’. I’ve spent entire weekends listening to lawyers lecture on the rights of FAPE, we’ve spent 10,000s of dollars advocating for services.. and on and on.. I go to the meetings, I write the letters, I fight, I cry, I scream at the top of my lungs and pull out my hair.. Maybe I’m foolish, maybe I just don’t get it but maybe I’m just looking for a better way.. Or maybe I’m tired.. I’m just tired of the hamster wheel.. We could fight, we could push back, we might even have a small victory but there will be another bill, another law, another nationwide curriculm standard that will dumb us down.. even MORE!.. So, where does it end?
And is there a part of me that thinks of all the time, money and energy spent in all the above mentioned and ask myself ‘was it all for not?’ The answer is a resounding ‘yes’. It probably all was for not…
Just think of that moment that we finally wake up and realize we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about us and no matter how much we want them too.. they just don’t.. it might be hard to walk away but there’s also a sense of relief when it’s done, isn’t there?